What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 07:42
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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What did i know ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He knew the spot.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was 9 years of age.
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I was seconnd youngest,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I waited trembling.
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She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My life is so biszare .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was scared of men, in general
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were not on the streets..
And i lived it daily.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is soul school!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We all went to grammer schools
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So, i spoilt her more .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I never cut or harmed myself..
So whats the point in blame.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I think the readers, may guess!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot live in the past .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I have no regrets .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She loved him until the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I will be 64.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Put me off passion for life!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it wasn’t much.
I don,t even have a pension.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!